It's Gotta Get Better

This week has been absolutely crazy.  I have had two workshops in the course of a week and I feel soo behind in getting my students assessed and put into their proper groups.  I worked until 9:00 last night and 6:00 tonight.  Considering I only work a half day on Fridays, this week has involved way too much work.  I struggle with balancing my work and my family.  I always feel guilty about spending too much time with either.  I am hoping to regroup this weekend. Tomorrow I will run the Dirty Dog Mud Run. That should be just what I need to get me out of this funk.

I have definitely been in a funk.  It's been so stressed with school starting activities, but it seems as if this catastrophic summer will never end.

On Wednesday, I got a Face Book message from a friend of mine from high school.  Michelle Rocker was our base player. She was simply a part of my circle of friends that I have held dear for a long time.  When my dad died, she just "showed up" at his funeral.  I hadn't seen her in over 25 years.  She was there and I so appreciated her.  Michelle was diagnosed several years ago with breast cancer.  She was treated with chemotherapy and went into remission.  Shortly after my dad died, she told me that the cancer was back and that coming to Colorado to visit me was on her bucket list.  Bucket list. Things she wanted to do before she died.  I was still hopeful, but I kept closer in touch with her on Face book.  I invited and wished for her to come visit.  I thought about where in the world I would take someone on their "bucket list" trip.  She was always quick to remind me that I was a true friend, or a beautiful person.  She quietly watched my life via the computer. I saw that her hair had fallen out once again.  It still never registered that Michelle, my beautiful friend, could actually die.  On Wednesday, I checked Face book and there was a message from Michelle.  She told me goodbye.  She said that she had only days left. She said that she was going home to be with her lord.  I just sat and cried.  Then I called Janice to tell her that our lifelong friend was passing away.

I have thought about Michelle so much since then. I was wondering what it must be like to know you are about to die. How can you say goodbye? How can you get ready for such a huge trip? Are you scared? Is she in pain? Is she so drugged with pain medications that she really doesn't know what is happening? Is she gone? Did she know how much I appreciated her? She never made it here for her bucket list. Did she make it to Colorado via my pictures? Is she alright? Will she say hello to my Daddy and Granny? Did she get her hair back in heaven? Is it still a beautiful strawberry blond color? So much to think about in this tired brain.

Thursday did not prove to be much better.  You see, Thursday was the anniversary of my dad's death.  I don't think August 30th will ever come again, when I don't think of him. I was teary all day. I wasn't sure if I was just tired or depressed about the loss of my dad and my friend.   I am pretty sure it was a combination of all of the above.  Daniel, my brother, shared a few photos of my dad that I have come to love.  These photos were taken when he was a child and when he was a teenager.  I noticed how happy he appears. I wonder if that handsome smile is on his face now.

As you can imagine, Thursday was tough!!!  I had no idea that it would get even tougher.  I got a call from Amelia's mother.  She is my sweet sweet student and her family has become dear friends to us.  I love that family and I love my special little friend.  Her mother called me at school to tell me that she has two tumors in her brain.  For the second time in as many days, I sat and wept. 

I wish I could say that there is a silver lining to this post.  I just can't find one today.  One thing I do know is that "Life is hard, but God is good". I am trusting him. I am praying that Michelle makes it safely home with as little pain as possible.  I know my Daddy is in a better place, even if I miss him a bit more on August 30th.  I WILL continue to be with my Amelia and help her in any way I can.  I pray for healing for her.  I pray that her daily shots don't hurt too much.  I pray that her parents feel God's presence and KNOW that he is in control. I pray that as I run that 5k tomorrow, I find a lot to smile about. After all, who could be sad when running in mud?